Life for me has continued to evolve…I’ve continued to change, sometimes for the good, sometimes for worse. But I kinda, tend to lean to the bad side more often than I’d like to admit . I am often confused, who am I? What do I want from life? What do I hope to leave behind?
Questions of this sort, many times rephrased, plague my ever-growing, but still young and frail mind.
I am not the man, I set out to be. Not the man I think God would want me to be, but happily, I can say – anytime the thought crosses my mind – that I am no failure. No, mate, I’m not that screwed up…
As I walk on this path that is my life, on this journey that is destiny, I hope to find the answers to all of my life’s nagging questions. I hope to die, not only a successful man, but a man who when his time will come, will smile and be glad that he did his best to prepare posterity for the worst…
…For the inevitable trials of life.
“I’m going to kill myself one of these days, I really am”, I thought as the thought of finding a new job crossed my mind for the umpteenth time one hot Sunday morning.
I had gone to bed, thinking of going to the park for a walk, finding someone to chat with, anyone who would listen to me and the story I had to tell.
The depression was really taking its toll on me. Oh fuck Janice and her new boyfriend.
I’ve been on medication since returning from RIDAS, a psychiatric hospital. You know you’re really screwed when the only folks around you are four eyed shrinks poking your brains with invisible needles and spatulas.
Funny, for a guy like me who likes to party, to dance and guzzle a lot of booze and red bull, that’ll ever attempt suicide, just because some stupid chick literally stumped on my puny heart. Talk about being sensitive.
What would Jesus say? Jeez, you are such a loser. You can’t even keep a girl. Wonder how you’ll fare with a cross.
Well, who cares, she’d have left anyway.
Now here I am thinking of going back to school, to continue through college, maybe earn a good degree in one of those stupid computer courses.
Why!!! School is such a pain. Why do I have to go?
Yeah, that’s the exact same thing I said to myself after high school.
But then I had a car, a good house, some inheritance money – too much than I knew what to do with – a talent for basketball, and yeah, the hottest girl in all of St. James High. Yeah, that same Janice.
“well fuck college”, I said then, ignoring the advice of uncle Sam and Aunt Beatrice. Why would I listen to them anyway, they never liked me and they always wanted a big chunk of my inheritance.
Too bad folks, you aint getting nada.
My parents made sure of that, putting it all in fixed deposit till I turned 20.
* * *
Back in my old dusty room, huddled in bed, my stomach began to rumble. You know that melodious rhythm that says “I’m hungry”?
Yeah, that one.
Tossing away the sheets, I rolled out of bed and strolled into the cubicle that serves as my kitchen. It’s so small, the closet in my old house was a dozen times bigger. Maybe even more!
Well, screw you Mr. Smart
Who named him Smart anyway?
Well, he was smart enough to charge $8.50 a week for this shit-hole with a match box bedroom, and a toilet that doesn’t flush.
Oh, how I missed my old house!
Yeah, lost it all to the crack.
Very bad decision it turned out to be not long after.
Well, story of my life. From rich, talented, promising prodigy, to crack head, dumb, poor, and oh, I forgot, depressed.